It has been entirely too long since I last recorded a podcast… that’s been for various reasons, safe to say none of the excuses are quite that good, but seeing all the people listening while I was away encouraged me to start again. So here’s a fresh one for you
Elon Musk and several Silicon Valley big shots set aside a Billion dollars for public AI research, The University of Washington cracks into the lucrative field of Virtual Tom Hanks, Paris Climate talks reach an actual resolution, and acting gets an auto-tune boost from Disney Research Labs.
And this podcast returns from a quite long hiatus…
Happy Monday! Must mean its another podcast, this time #6 in an infinite part series…
In this Episode: Apple aims at Productivity with the iPad Pro, but the chip inside (the A9X) may be more important… Android gets scared into monthly updates by the StageFright exploit, the DOJ wrongfully accuses a Professor of espionage after never actually looking at the file he sent to China, Stripe becomes the middleman for mobile commerce with their new Relay service, and an MIT study thinks your Twitter feed could be making you more creative (if you curate it right).
And a twitter account you might find interesting: @censusAmericans
Some may tell you the world is getting safer all the time, and although they are right, it makes for an uninteresting blog post.
Instead we shall focus on our feared impending demise from the madness of technological advancement.
The oncoming storm.
The buzzing sound that heralds our doom.
The four spinning rotors of the apocalypse.
They do not know fear.
They do not know conversational english.
They sometimes know their relative position in a 3 dimensional space.
The Drone
Webster’s Online Dictionary defines the word drone as “The greatest threat mankind has ever faced” if you squint and read between the lines. Wink wink nudge nudge, Webster. I’m picking up what you’re laying down: Trust no one.
Drones have been compared to flying grizzly bears by industry experts, their rotors like thin aerodynamic lift producing claws, their plastic shells like matted fur, their stabilizing gyroscopes like a Grizzly Bears inner ear canal. But, don’t be fooled, unlike Grizzly Bears drones don’t sequester themselves in forests, nor do they mostly torment Canadians. Drones are a global threat.
As an American I know a global threat requires an immediate misguided show of overwhelming force and large no-bid government contracts for companies owned by my friends. But, in a diversion from American foreign policy, we will seek to know our enemy first.
The Pack Hunters
No one knows who invented drones, but we do know the depraved lunatics taught some of them to hunt in packs and coordinate their movements. You can easily spot them if you know the common signs of bee swarms, but instead of bees you imagine drones instead.
The Mules, Wolves, and Mulewolves… or WereMules
To destroy humanity, Drones must first understand humanity. To understand humanity they must master the art of really awkward hopscotch four legged running. Bad news, friends: They’ve already cracked it.
Already the machines have specialized into weird mule like all terrain forms, as well as smaller more dangerous and equally awkward variants. Note in this field recon footage that the drones are already mastering the art of hallway traversal, and very light grassy inclines. Terrifying.
Sea Serpents
Even decades of preventative ocean pollution has not stopped the drones from seeking to claim our waters. Robotic serpents already train in secretive suburban swimming pools across this great nation, just biding their time.
Sky Jellies
Its always the most innocent looking ones that pose the greatest threat, this friendly and serene drone is no different. Fear its pleasantness.
Stay Paranoid
This country was built on a strong foundation of paranoia, industrialization of specialized tradecraft, and moon worship, but you’ll only need the former to prepare yourself for what’s to come. I’ve shown you the enemy, and now its up to you to sit paralyzed in fear in your living rooms, waiting for the sweet embrace of the rotor blades.
Listen for that humming sound, friends… and when it gets close? Just close your door. They haven’t all mastered that doorknob bit yet.
Facebook gets into the virtual assistant game with “M” a new feature of Messenger, Textio tells companies what demographics their job posts actually entice, Uber hires security researchers to beef up their self driving car program, and finally Instagram gets wide and vertical with its images and videos.
I’ve been heads down in so many things lately, a new position at work, many changes at home, but i’ve started work on something i’m excited about: A Podcast. Just me, talking about tech, culture, privacy and security.
I think if you listen you’ll come out more informed, entertained, and probably a little bit more wary of the tumults in tech!
Johann Hannesson 