In my never ending trek through different multimedia, i’ve decided to try something fun (for me at least). A take on Let’s Plays for video games, but instead clicking through websites. There are a lot of bad web experiences out there and it could be fun to riff on them… So without further ado:
How To Survive The Future Part 1: DRONES!?
Some may tell you the world is getting safer all the time, and although they are right, it makes for an uninteresting blog post.
Instead we shall focus on our feared impending demise from the madness of technological advancement.
The oncoming storm.
The buzzing sound that heralds our doom.
The four spinning rotors of the apocalypse.
They do not know fear.
They do not know conversational english.
They sometimes know their relative position in a 3 dimensional space.
Webster’s Online Dictionary defines the word drone as “The greatest threat mankind has ever faced” if you squint and read between the lines. Wink wink nudge nudge, Webster. I’m picking up what you’re laying down: Trust no one.
Drones have been compared to flying grizzly bears by industry experts, their rotors like thin aerodynamic lift producing claws, their plastic shells like matted fur, their stabilizing gyroscopes like a Grizzly Bears inner ear canal. But, don’t be fooled, unlike Grizzly Bears drones don’t sequester themselves in forests, nor do they mostly torment Canadians. Drones are a global threat.
As an American I know a global threat requires an immediate misguided show of overwhelming force and large no-bid government contracts for companies owned by my friends. But, in a diversion from American foreign policy, we will seek to know our enemy first.
The Pack Hunters
No one knows who invented drones, but we do know the depraved lunatics taught some of them to hunt in packs and coordinate their movements. You can easily spot them if you know the common signs of bee swarms, but instead of bees you imagine drones instead.
The Mules, Wolves, and Mulewolves… or WereMules
To destroy humanity, Drones must first understand humanity. To understand humanity they must master the art of really awkward hopscotch four legged running. Bad news, friends: They’ve already cracked it.
Already the machines have specialized into weird mule like all terrain forms, as well as smaller more dangerous and equally awkward variants. Note in this field recon footage that the drones are already mastering the art of hallway traversal, and very light grassy inclines. Terrifying.
Even decades of preventative ocean pollution has not stopped the drones from seeking to claim our waters. Robotic serpents already train in secretive suburban swimming pools across this great nation, just biding their time.
Its always the most innocent looking ones that pose the greatest threat, this friendly and serene drone is no different. Fear its pleasantness.
This country was built on a strong foundation of paranoia, industrialization of specialized tradecraft, and moon worship, but you’ll only need the former to prepare yourself for what’s to come. I’ve shown you the enemy, and now its up to you to sit paralyzed in fear in your living rooms, waiting for the sweet embrace of the rotor blades.
Listen for that humming sound, friends… and when it gets close? Just close your door. They haven’t all mastered that doorknob bit yet.